I did today. I went to the physio to try and get out of the chair and onto crutches. I was terrified.
I went to Bensham Hospital where a physio I'd never met did an assessment. She was impressed by the muscle in my legs and the level of control I could show, She thought that perhaps we were pushing things too far and too fast. I explained that I had set a year-long timescale for what I wanted to achieve and she agreed that that seemed reasonable.
Then we got the crutches.
With a physio on each side and the crutches on my arms I did it.
I walked.
It was slow, ungainly and not very confident but I did it. I have a new exercise plan geared towards getting back on my feet. In the words of my physio - I have potential.
Did I mention? I WALKED!
Somehow, and I don't know exactly how, people see my outlook on life as inspirational and very positive. I don't see this myself and days like today reinforce my negative viewpoint.
Then again, they don't...
I started to get very disillusiopned with things. It seems like the least bit thng can send me on a negative spiral into the black. Hardly surprising as depression is one of my expected symptoms. Except today I was more grumpy than depressed. In a foul mood and eveything that happened only seemed to exaserbate matters. Then, things started to pick up...
My Dad came to visit and, although holiday photos are always boring, I'm very chuffed that he had a great time. If anyone deserved a holiday it's that man.
Then I finished my archiving. Every CD I own, catalogued and backed up. A huge job and one I was convinced would never be complete.
Then Anna phoned me. Anna is officially my PR agent. It would seem that she has secured me an interview on BBC Radio Newcastle. That is one of the most exciting things I have had happen in a looooooooong time.
I caught with my brother-from-another-mother, Graeme which is always pleasing.
Then I finished the night off playing Gears of War 3 and having a bloody good laugh with the lads.
I'm about to go to bed with a huge smile on my face.
The lesson learned? Simples! You never know what's around the corner so cheer up!
Good times :)
Right? Right?
I take Rebif three times a week. It's an injection that leaves my body covered in red welts, makes me very ill for 12 hours a time, has a danger of frying my liver, dehydrates me and leaves me with muscle weakness.
This is better, how?
I've decided that I will walk again. I'm basing this on nothing more than sheer bloody mindedness. The exercise and diet plan started very badly but it clicked into place on Saturday.
I realised a few things about myself and why I am compelled to eat. I can tell you exactly the meal that started it. I need to overcome all that. Without beating the mental side of things I will never beat the physical.
1) I am a wheelchair user - currently - but that will change.
2) I am overwqeight - currently - but that will change.
3) I am scared of rejection - currently - but that will change.
4) I believe in my my ability to change - currently - that will never change.
Why do I do these things? I'm terrified and I know that this could end painfully but f**k it! I want my legs back...
UPDATE:
Went to fat club and found out that the 3 stone that I thought I had put on is actually 4 and a half :'( Starting at the gym today and the healthy eating went well right up until I went out for a drink with a couple of mates. Nine pints of flat brown and a shot of Glayva later, I nearly fell down lol
My publisher has confirmed that 'Growth Spurt', the second part of my Blue Jackets series is scheduled for an October release. I am both delighted and anxious. The rewrite/edit phase that is about to land on me with hobnail boots is simultaneously exciting, exhilerating and exasperating. I have been promised great things in terms of design and cannot wait to splash the cover art across this site :)
Oh and I've rejoined Twitter. I can now be found @GeordieWriter
Finally, my thoughts go to those who were caught in the horror of this day, ten years ago. Never forgotten.
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